A Nationwide Enigma:
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark."
And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard and weeping. And there was no Ark. The Lord shouted, "Noah!, where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans."
"I got into a big fight with the Fire Marshall over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission."
"There was a major problem getting enough wood for the Ark because of a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Game that I needed the wood to help save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So we have no owls."
"Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike, so I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. We now have 16 carpenters going on the boat, but the moratorium on the owls is still a huge problem which I have been desperately trying to solve."
"When I started gathering up all the animals, an animal rights group objected to me taking only two of each kind and filed a law suit and got an injunction against me. The Center for Disease Control got in the fray at the same time, something about shots for all the animals."
"I just got the suit dismissed, and the EPA notifies me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood and then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plane. I sent them both a globe. Neither agency took kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."
"Currently, I'm still involved in trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire and this morning, the IRS notified me that they have seized all our assets claiming that I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country."
"Earlier, this afternoon I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of Special Use Tax; so I really don't know if I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear and the sun began to shine, and then for the first time ever, a beautiful rainbow arched across the crystal sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."
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